Sometimes I Worry My Voice Won’t Work

Sometimes I worry that my voice won’t work. Now, this hasn’t happened just recently, but i remember this concerning me quite often during my first year of university. Why? Because my social anxiety was at an all-time high, and I spent most of my time in my room without anybody to talk to. On weekends when my roommate(s) went home, the only people I talked to were the catering/cafeteria service workers, and i’d often have a moment of worry that upon reaching the cashier, I might find that my voice had disappeared from not using it. Luckily, it never happened. however, i find myself in a similar state now: spending all my time in my room, sad, alone, not speaking to anybody. Socially, I had done well this school year, so where did it go wrong?

In a university-based part of the city, you’ll find it becomes rather deserted in the summer, when many students go home, or off travelling, or what have you. There are always some that stay behind though, and I am one of those. I guess i hadn’t considered how much all the time alone would affect me. At first, I rather enjoyed the time, as i hadn’t gotten a whole lot of “me-time” when I had been living with my girlfriend. As the days wore on, it time became less enjoyable. Everyday, I would wake up, make coffee and something to eat, get on the computer (for hours), make something to eat, get on the computer (for hours), and repeat last steps until going to sleep, only to start it over again the next day. Yes, I do have a bit of an internet addiction, but that’s a story for another time. As you can see, I don’t do much during the day. Once in a while I go grocery shopping. I’ve had a couple of appointments. I usually see my girlfriend once a week. Once, I hung out with a friend who was going to be on campus that day. Other than these things, and a few work-related days, I’ve done nothing, and it bothers me.

Now, I wasn’t super sociable during the school year, but for me, it was pretty impressive. I had at least one person in almost every class to talk to. In addition to that, I was friends with all my housemates. This meant I was getting my daily dose of socialization, and I was pretty happy with how it was going.

But now I’m lonely again. It doesn’t seem like that big of a problem; a simple solution would be to just go do something, to ask somebody if they want to hang out. Anybody with social anxiety will tell you it’s not quite that easy though. I don’t like going out an doing things on my own much, as an example, I would feel very strange going to a movie on my own, grabbing dinner from a restaurant, etc. (note: I have done these things alone. It’s bearable, but I don’t enjoy it.). I suppose I could just message a friend and ask them to hang out, but I hate to inconvenience people, and I would feel like I was doing that if I made the request.

Thus, here I am: sad, alone in my room, on the computer. I never wanted to be in this place again. I never wanted to be this lonely again, but it seems like I’ve slipped back into old ways.

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3 Comments

  1. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

     /  June 30, 2012

    Loneliness can be a killer. During the first 8 months of my mental breakdown, I spent most of my time in my studio apartment alone. It was the best AND the worst place for me. Drinking alcohol, self-harming and who knows what else – just detaching myself from the outside world.

    I hope that we can become less lonely and feel better.

    Wishing you the best. 😉

    Reply
    • I’ll admit, I have looked at my bottle of wine and brandy longingly a few times, but I’ve been trying to stop myself from drinking simply out of boredom.
      Knowing that studio apartments aren’t very large, did you ever get claustrophobic? I’ve never been claustrophobic, but I find myself getting more and more sick of my bedroom walls.
      Thanks for taking the time to comment 🙂

      Reply
      • The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

         /  July 1, 2012

        You are more than welcome for the comment. My studio apartment was pretty small but I also didn’t get claustrophobic. I just have lots of bad memories from there. At least when you have roommates, there’s less of a chance of drinking or self-harming.

        Wishing you well.

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