I Have a Broken Heart

Back to blogging when I’m sad, I guess, and I am very sad. It’s such a stereotypical reason to be sad, and that sort of annoys me, but at the same time, it makes me understand other people a little better. I’m fresh out of a break up, and dying inside.

Part of the problem is, I still love her so much, and I know that it’s not from lack of love that the break up has occurred. I recognize that I probably put too much into loving her. She is my everything, which isn’t very good… I feel so empty now that I’ve lost her.

She worries about the future, and that’s the reason for the split. She doesn’t think that we would be able to make it work after we are done school, and that our life paths are very different. This came up before in the relationship, and I always did my best to calm her fears. I haven’t set out a neat life path like she has, I just sort of go where the world takes me, and I explained to her that if the world took me with her, than that’s where I would go. It wasn’t enough though.

I asked her “What’s stopping you from breaking it off?” to which she replied that she wanted both of us to be on the same page if that’s what we were going to do. The thing is, I would never be on that same page, at least not as things are/were. But I could tell that it was what she wanted. It wasn’t as though one of us broke up with the other, it just sort of got to the point where it was like “Fine, we’ll just end it.”.

So I’m unhappy. My face hurts from crying. I barely made it through class today, and I hate being in public now. I go between believing that this is the right decision but also that it was a horrible mistake that I do not want.

I know I’ll make it through; I’m enduring that way. This is a chance to put my life together in the way that I want, since it is broken down to nothing at the moment. I just don’t know when it is going to stop hurting…

If you have something to say that will make me smile or laugh, I’d love to hear it. I’ll take condolences too, but they will probably make me cry.

Trying to smile through my tears,

Michelle

P.S. I wish I was having some emotional eating urges. Downing a tub of ice cream doesn’t sound to bad, except that it is cold and I don’t want to eat!

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9 Comments

  1. “I’m enduring that way”. That is an optimistic thing to say in the midst of such agonizing emotion. It says something about your strong character. You are right about having a chance to rebuild. Sometimes, like computers, we have to shut down and reboot so that we can run smoother. Good luck!!!!!

    Reply
    • I think, like a computer, I have to delete a whole bunch of old stuff that is bogging me down as well!
      Thank you for the compliment and the support 🙂

      Reply
    • I recognize that I am replying to a comment from quite a while ago, but I wanted you to know the effect your comment had. I’d never really thought of being enduring as a positive characteristic until you mentioned it. Now, a year and a half later, when I try to think of my good qualities, I remind myself that I have this fantastic ability to endure, and I often think of your comment when I do. So, thank you, kind internet stranger, and please know that you’ve impacted me in a profound and positive way! ^_^
      -Michelle

      Reply
      • I needed this today. Thank you for the perfect timing. One of my recent poems Empathic Lives reminds me of another thing you wrote about on that blog. How we seem to understand those around us better because of how we are. Thank you again…this comment means more than you know.

      • I’m glad I could provide a small ‘pick-me-up’ when you needed it 🙂 And I’ll have to check out your poem!

  2. littlequietgirl

     /  September 28, 2012

    Hi Michelle. I recently got out of a long term relationship myself with someone who just wasn’t going in the same direction. I know it hurts, but if both people aren’t into it, it just does more damage to drag it out. You will find someone that fits you better if you just keep trying. An old mentor of mine used to tell me that whoever you choose to be with, it should be a relationship like that of two trains heading the same direction on parallel tracks. In other words, do things that make you happy, work on improving your life and learning who you are, and find someone who happens to be going in the same direction. Someone who doesn’t derail you on your path. And vice versa. They have to be happy and fulfilled in their own life too. Anyway! I don’t usually plug my own blog in a comment, but I think this post after my own breakup might be helpful for you: http://littlequietgirl.wordpress.com/2012/08/01/how-to-cope-with-a-breakup-or-13-things-to-do-when-youre-bored/
    Try to shift your focus and things will get better 🙂

    Reply
  3. There’s nothing that hurts more than a broken heart. Allow yourself the time you need to hurt, and then allow yourself the time you need to heal. Life is full of surprises, twists and turns, trust that the changes you are faced with today hold something special for the future. And if you ever need a pick-me-up check my blog “embrace your awesomeness” at http://www.sandybucholtz.com I hope you find your smile again soon

    Reply

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