Sleep is for the Weak, Not the Crazy

I have never been a good sleeper. Never (even my mum agrees with this). So it shouldn’t surprise me when I go through a bout of poor sleep. Usually my problem is that I can’t get to sleep – I can’t shut my mind up for long enough to fall asleep – but that’s not really my problem this time. Now, I wake up too early. I get up every weekday morning at 7 or 8 for class, so it wouldn’t have been a big deal if my body had gotten used to that schedule, and I woke up at 7 everyday. I’m not though. I’m waking up at strange hours, like 6, or 5, or 4:23 in the morning. Of course I can’t get back to sleep once I’ve woken up, no matter how tired I might be. On Monday, I was so sleep deprived that I was getting tremors!

I want my insomnia back, please.

Coping…or not

I have been asked a time or two how I cope with my mental health, how I managed to carry on as others do. Part of it is that I am fortunate enough to be high-functioning despite everything. Another part is that I am strict with myself and lean towards perfectionist behaviours, and thus, do not allow myself to live my life any differently than a person with a well-balanced mind (some of this is ego, I think; I refuse to let others out-perform me). The third part is that I’m not coping. Living the way I do does not allow me the time to properly acknowledge my problems, because I am simply too busy struggling through the day, and then too tired from the struggle to care.

So, that is how I cope, through ambivalence…but I do not recommend this method, it certainly isn’t helping me. I am not surviving the day, coming out the other end having accomplished something. I am just existing throughout the day.

Mini update

So the depression got worse; for me, it would be called “double depression”, which is when your dysthymia slips into major depression. Joy, oh joy. So we upped the drugs. I’m currently at 300 mg of bupropion hydrochloride (Wellbutrin XL), and 125 mg sertraline (Zoloft). Additionally, I have been taking omega supplements (note: Dr. approved), I don’t know if they make a difference, but I figure my body could use it anyway…but I digress. The increased dosage has made a difference. I still feel the effects of the depression, but it is easier to get through the day, and that’s good enough for me, for now.

When I’m feeling a bit better, I’m hoping to get working of self-esteem, because mine is at an all-time low!

Ciao,
Michelle

Let’s try some narcissism on for size…

I have a few (read: many) issues with feeling unwanted and worthless. I have gone through more than my fair share of friends in my life, because eventually, they leave my life. I have always taken this to be a sign that they don’t want me, that I’m not good enough for them, etc.. However, I came across a thought today, which seems rather┬ánarcissistic to me, yet still makes me feel the slightest bit better: they don’t deserve me.

(more…)

%d bloggers like this: