Let’s try some narcissism on for size…

I have a few (read: many) issues with feeling unwanted and worthless. I have gone through more than my fair share of friends in my life, because eventually, they leave my life. I have always taken this to be a sign that they don’t want me, that I’m not good enough for them, etc.. However, I came across a thought today, which seems rather narcissistic to me, yet still makes me feel the slightest bit better: they don’t deserve me.

 I attempt to treat people with kindness and respect (to their face at least; I’m not a saint), but not everybody in the world operates like this. Many people, it seems, either don’t realize or don’t care that they treat others like crap. I have had friends, family, lovers, etc. say incredibly rude things to my face. Being the kind…or possibly meek…person that I am, I don’t call them out on it, and what’s more, I continue to be kind to them!

I recognize that I am one of those people who takes care of others, and I recognize that I will not be able to completely change that. I think though, that I shall endeavour to only take care of and be kind to those who deserve it, and for those who don’t, I’ll keep my kindness to myself. I am a fucking lovely person most of the time, and if people don’t appreciate that, if they want to leave me and my kindness, then they can go right on ahead; it’s their loss, not mine, and I can’t help it if they can’t see my worth!

So my plan for the future is to treat people, not how I would want to be treated, but more so as they treat me. Revenge? Maybe? Cruel? At times? Something I need to do? Yes.

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