I have an addictive personality. I’ve always joked that I can never try cocaine, because within a week I’d be doing key-bumps in the washroom between lectures. I am “lucky” enough, though, that I also have a very controlling personality, so I’m not so sure I would let myself become addicted to anything. Habits are a different matter though. In a weird way, I sort of enjoy my habits – I call them habits because I don’t think any would be classified as full-blown addictions. Yet, these are things I crave like an addiction.
I might have an addiction to coffee, but I think it just happens to be my go-to drink, rather than something I need or crave (I’ve been cutting back my coffee/caffeine [it’s going okay]). I’m no alcoholic, but I often find myself wishing a had some rye on the rocks at the end of the day. I do not wish for it because I want to get drunk; it’s a learned behaviour for me, as that’s what my dad would do. To be totally transparent, I currently have an “Irished” decaf beside me, but I don’t need it, nor do I often drink such a thing. Still, there’s always a lingering craving for a drink – a single drink. It is much the same as when I drink a coffee in the morning, I’m not getting any effects from the caffeine, but I do it out of habit.
There is one particular “addiction” that has followed me for a long time. It come in waves. I might not think about it for six months, but then, suddenly, I’ll have the craving for 3 steady weeks. I crave to smoke. I do not crave cigarettes, tobacco, or nicotine. I crave the act of smoking. When I’m walking to campus, I can see myself lifting the cigarette to my lips, practically feel the inhale. I have smoked socially in the past, but have not for 4-5 years. I tend to crave it more when I am stressed, since the act of smoking seems to be cathartic to me. In light of recent stress, I thought I’d try a wee experiment: fake cigarette smoking. My “cig” is basically a tube with a filter that simulates taking a drag. There is no substance entering my lungs except air. It does it for me, but what a strange habit to have, breathing through a tube.
I’m not sure how one would go about stopping an addiction that is only a habitual act, and I’m not very good at stopping my bad habits, but I’m thinking it is something I should consider in the near future. For now, for tonight, I’m going to enjoy my fake alcoholism and faux cigarette.