Absence and My Summer Break(down?)

I’ve been away for a while. I went back home to visit family for what I expected to be a couple of weeks, but somehow turned into 44 days! While it was nice to see family and friends, it has not been the greatest start to my summer. Let me explain why…

Being ‘back at home’ puts me into quite a toxic environment. It is fun for about a week. I can handle two weeks. Anything more than that and it all starts to go downhill, snowballing and growing into a larger and larger issue. There are always little jabs here and there from family, not to mention the scorn, gossiping, and other such hellish things that go on in the small community I came from. I knew that once my brother and I were starting to get sick of each other it was time to go, for we get along quite well. You might ask: ‘why did you not leave then?’, and the answer is that I would have liked to, but circumstances didn’t allow for it. I had a therapy appointment that I had to cancel when my father (my ride to the bus terminal!) caught a cold, and with that appointment went my excuse to leave.

Shortly after I cancelled my appointment, my prescriptions for both my antidepressants ran out; I still had one refill, but with the pharmacy I go to at university. I suppose I could have transferred it, but my family doesn’t know about all this, and it would have caught their attention. Since I’d rather not go through that hassle, I simply rationed out my meds the best I could. I’m sure many of you know that SSRI withdrawals are a bitch. Every couple of days I had to take a pill just to get rid of the flu-like feeling I got from not taking my medication. Eventually, my body seemed to get over it. I considered discussing with my doctor the possibility of going off meds, but I changed my mind fairly quickly about that. While I have no issues with the idea of taking medication, and have found taking SSRIs to be extremely helpful for me, I worry about it still. I’m lucky to have health coverage while in university, but that will be gone in a year, and meds are expensive! I also do not have easy access to a doctor and pharmacy when ‘back home’, so if I returned there after university it would be quite a problem. Sometimes I worry about being on meds for the rest of my life. I doubt I will ever be able to function well without them. Yet, I shall try to be positive: at least I am lucky enough to be able to take medications that help me; not every one is so fortunate.

To go along with all this, being ‘back home’ places me into relative isolation. I’m from the country and do not have easy access to transport. Additionally, I don’t have the internet there (I know…we’re like savages! haha), so I cannot even gain any social interaction that way. Isolation gives me too much time to think and worry and be lonely. These things are not good for me.

I survived though! That is the important thing. I assume I will quickly find that I feel isolated here as well, for living in a university city during the summer means that company can be pretty sparse (and my number of friends is sad to begin with). For now, I shall just happily surf the web, and worry myself over finding a job (just like last summer – the horror!).

Wish me luck!

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