I was eating dinner with a friend recently, and we were talking about dating, meeting people, etc.. I commented that I just automatically assume that people don’t like me (because why would they?!). He was taken aback by this. He told me ‘That’s so interesting. It seems like many girls think everybody wants them.’. I know those people exist, though I don’t personally know anyone that acts that way (that I’ve noticed), but I’m not one of them. Still, it made me think about my own assumption upon meeting people. Why do I think everyone is going to hate me? Yes, the obvious reasons: depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.. The question is more about how I got that idea in my head.
I am pretty modest most of the time, but I’m going to say that, objectively, I think I’m pretty cool. I can do visual art, theatre, and I taught myself music. I love to read and write. I’m well-read. I enjoy philosophy. I like to cook and bake. I can sew and knit. I’m full of weird trivia. I love to learn about EVERYTHING. I am pretty good at staying up-to-date with world affairs. I have an excellent sense of humour. I’m clever. I like video games, fantasy novels, and other geeky things. So long as I don’t have to start the conversation, I can talk about just about anything. I’m an excellent listener. I could probably list some more things, but I’m going to leave it there for now.
Am I everybody’s cup of tea? No, certainly not. There will be people that I will not get along with, or that I share no interests with (I can only ask them questions about their interests for so long!). This is just how the world works. Not everybody is going to love you. That doesn’t mean that NOBODY is going to like me. I know there are people out there who like many of the same things as me (I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE. WHERE ARE YOU?). It’s not like I have a lot of experience with people hating me at first glance (though I do have some. Those bastards.).
I just don’t understand where I got this idea.
I know they say that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you (that’s bullshit, but I’ll save that for another post). Do I love myself? No. Simple as that. I don’t love myself, but I am learning to like myself. See up there? That list I made? The place where I said I’m cool? Even so, I wouldn’t have just woken up one day and suddenly realized ‘Well, I’m shit.’. These ideas come from somewhere.
Was it all the best friends I had and then from whom I grew apart?
Was it my parents, from not paying enough attention to me?
Was it because I was never the ‘cool’ kid?
I don’t know. Maybe it was a combination of many things. I’m just not sure I can move on unless I figure this out.