I’ve neglected to take my meds for a few days in a row. This has occurred because of the horrible sleep habits (read: lack thereof) I’ve had recently. Luckily, I’ve not gone through withdrawal (been there before; I get the shakes like an epileptic). However, it has allowed me to see what I’m like without my meds, and I’m not certain I like that.
I’ve taken medication since I was about 20. That’s about three years steadily on meds. Currently, I take 100 mg of Zoloft and 300 mg of Wellbutrin. The combo works fairly well for me. I could probably get along with slightly lower doses of both (they were upped the last time I was in quite a bad state), but it’s also possible i could benefit from higher doses. Basically, they do alright, so I don’t mess with them.
Meds don’t make me happy – it would be nice if they did, but they don’t. What meds do for me is make me less depressed. Instead of waking up in the morning certain that my day is going to be shit, I am able to wake up in a neutral state. I figure that’s probably how it goes for most people, so I take it. It’s considerably to get through the day being neither positive nor negative than it is when only being negative. The meds also help with the suicidal ideation a fair amount. I still get thoughts of it once in a while, but generally, they’re just in passing.
However, these past few days I’ve not had those lovely benefits from the medication. I’ve been more irritable than I normally am (though, if I’m honest, I’m pretty irritable overall). I get sad and/or lonely more easily. It’s a bit harder to motivate myself to get any work done. Basically, I all I want to do is curl up in my bed with my laptop, a bag of chips, a cup of tea, and never, ever leave.
Not so bad, right? I mean, everybody has those days. Still, I have had those days, and those days were a good portion of my life pre-meds. So I know that once you give up and curl up it is so very hard to get up again. I’m a little afraid that if I indulge myself, it might be like starting all over again. I know this isn’t necessarily true, because I’ve done it when on the meds, and I always get up eventually, but there’s still a ‘what if?’ about the whole thing.
Regardless, this is the lack of meds talking – I mean, me talking, me and my lack of sleep talking. I’m pretty sure I’ll manage to rouse myself to take my meds tomorrow, and everything will be alright, but right now, all I care about it crawling into bed and feeling bad for myself while being a bit horrified by what I’m like when I’ve not taken my medication