Hi! I’m not dead! Quick update: I’ve graduated university (woo!), am enrolled in a college program (woo!), am currently off all medication (woo?), and have been living at home for the summer (no woo).
For now, I’m just going to talk about being off meds.
It’s kind of wild.
It took eight days of me being completely med-free before the suicidal ideation began. I spend time thinking about how nice it might be to simply not exist, but don’t spend my time planning how I might make this happen, so I think I’m okay. It didn’t surprise me that those thoughts came about (I was never entirely free of them when I was on medications, anyhow).
What did throw me for a loop was emotions! I guess I kinda, sorta forgot I had them or something? Without medications I feel emotions much more strongly, and I hadn’t realized what a dampening effect the medication had.
Case and point: I cried over a television show about a beaver. It was either one of the most pathetic moments of my life, or the most Canadian (I’m going with the latter.). I also cried over another show about an elephant. I rewatched Les Mis and cried so hard I made myself laugh! Honestly, I’m pretty amused by the whole business. It annoys me a bit, but once the crying is over, it’s funny how easily I cry now.
I get angrier now, too. Sometimes it feels pretty good to get angry.
On the downside, I’m more easily overwhelmed, and it’s much harder to feel happy, especially for any sustained period of time. I think once I’m settled into a new school year, this will get a bit better, since life is a bit rocky at the moment (what with the living at home and an upcoming move and whatnot).
Overall, I have mixed feelings about being off medication. Medication was definitely helpful to me for both my depression and my anxiety. However, it is nice to not worry about taking the meds, and filling prescriptions, finding a new doctor, the cost, etc.. At the moment, things are okay without meds, but I worry that I won’t always be able to handle things without them. I’ll cross that bridge when the time comes, I suppose!