Off meds

Hi! I’m not dead! Quick update: I’ve graduated university (woo!), am enrolled in a college program (woo!), am currently off all medication (woo?), and have been living at home for the summer (no woo).

For now, I’m just going to talk about being off meds.

It’s kind of wild.

It took eight days of me being completely med-free before the suicidal ideation began. I spend time thinking about how nice it might be to simply not exist, but don’t spend my time planning how I might make this happen, so I think I’m okay. It didn’t surprise me that those thoughts came about (I was never entirely free of them when I was on medications, anyhow).

What did throw me for a loop was emotions! I guess I kinda, sorta forgot I had them or something? Without medications I feel emotions much more strongly, and I hadn’t realized what a dampening effect the medication had.

Case and point: I cried over a television show about a beaver. It was either one of the most pathetic moments of my life, or the most Canadian (I’m going with the latter.). I also cried over another show about an elephant. I rewatched Les Mis and cried so hard I made myself laugh! Honestly, I’m pretty amused by the whole business. It annoys me a bit, but once the crying is over, it’s funny how easily I cry now.

I get angrier now, too. Sometimes it feels pretty good to get angry.

On the downside, I’m more easily overwhelmed, and it’s much harder to feel happy, especially for any sustained period of time. I think once I’m settled into a new school year, this will get a bit better, since life is a bit rocky at the moment (what with the living at home and an upcoming move and whatnot).

Overall, I have mixed feelings about being off medication. Medication was definitely helpful to me for both my depression and my anxiety. However, it is nice to not worry about taking the meds, and filling prescriptions, finding a new doctor, the cost, etc.. At the moment, things are okay without meds, but I worry that I won’t always be able to handle things without them. I’ll cross that bridge when the time comes, I suppose!

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  1. Hey! You really made me smile about the beaver thing. I totally know these pathetic moments where I am crying over some insignificant stuff… Bests to you – please listen closely to your inner voice and don’t hesitate to get back on meds when you need them. You deserve to be alright, you know. If this is only the case with meds – well, so it be!

  2. Hmmm, this all sounds to familiar….I am still on my meds for exactly the reasons you speak of – suicidal tendencies. I so associate though with the “increased” emotions comment. I had my meds reduced, both depression and anxiety, and within a few days could tell the difference. The anxiety is the worst. I tend to start tapping my fingers on anything available or rubbing my forehead when anxiety starts to build, but when on the stronger meds this had gone. So like you I am just letting it go at the moment and hoping for the best!
    Hope you can keep it up…

    • I know just what you’re talking about with the finger tapping and forehead rubbing! I do a bit of finger tapping, a bit of nose rubbing (mostly when my social anxiety acts up), and I’m a notorious knee bouncer!

      • Yep, know where you are coming from. If you have looked at my blog you will have seen one of my “future topics” is about “it’s not all bad”, I am going to talk about all such things and how if you look at the funny side of some of these behaviours it can actually lighten your mood. Cheers

  1. Depression and Anxiety – The Ups and Downs | My Blog About Living With My Mental Illness

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