I have a hard time being happy for others. Maybe this shouldn’t be a surprise – I have a hard time being happy for myself, too. But there is a chance that when somebody shares their good news, I won’t be pleased.
I have this idea in my head – one I have a hard time combating – that some people deserve to have good things happen to them and some don’t.
If I think a person deserves good things, I will probably be pleased to hear their good news. As an example, when somebody with depression shares good news, I’m usually pleased. I know that good news can be a bit sparse when you have depression, and that if you are struggling with depression every day, you likely deserve to have something nice happen to you at least once in a while!
On the other hand, if I don’t feel a person deserves good things, I’m likely to meet their joy and good news with feelings of envy and disdain, or, sometimes, without any feeling at all. An example here would be a person who’s ‘got everything’ sharing news of yet another success. At best, I won’t care; at worst, I’ll become upset over their good news.
I wish I wasn’t like that. I sometimes think I’m not a very good person for being this way, even though I know I’m not the only person with these feelings. I know it’s not my place to judge whether or not somebody deserves happiness, and that ‘deserving’ good things really has little to do with receiving them. And I know that my envy or anger it isn’t truly a representation of how I feel about these ‘undeserving’ people, but a reflection of the impotent rage I feel over the state of my own life. It’s not something I can fix overnight.
So I fake it. I tell them “congratulations”, or ‘like’ their post, or go to their party (if I have to!), and I act like I’m happy for them. Maybe, eventually, I will be happy for them. Maybe, eventually, I’ll be happy, too.