What I’ve been up to

Hello everyone! It’s been a while! I’m still alive.

A few people have asked for updates on my job search. Well, I’m still searching. It’s kind of a roller coaster (I want off the ride now…). I went through a series of interviews for a job that would have been a fairly good fit for me. I even got a bit hopeful that time, but it didn’t pan out. This was disappointing, but such is life, I guess. I just keep sending out my applications.

It’s very easy to get frustrated – with yourself, with the companies, with the society as a whole. I find myself wondering why I spent so many years in school when it doesn’t really seem worth it from a career standpoint (But don’t get me wrong, from an education and self-growth standpoint, I loved all those years of school.). I find myself wondering why the companies are asking for 5 years of experience for an entry level job. I find myself wondering why we put so much emphasis on people’s jobs (We so often ask people “What do you do?” even though it has very little to do with who they are as people.). I know I’m not the only person wondering these things; I know I’m not the only one who is frustrated. It’s not easy, and it’s not fun, but we all just keep plugging away.

What else have I been up to in my absence? I’ve been trying to separate myself from the internet a little bit. I love, love, love the internet, but it’s so easy to waste away a day surfing the web. I don’t want to do that, and I think it sometimes makes my depression worse, so I’ve tried to find some other ways to waste my time! I’ve been doing some exercise. I’ve been reading more books. I’ve been writing some books (Two of them! I was fairly proud of this, since I’ve wanted to write one since I was very small. Whether they’re any good still waits to be seen haha). I’ve been trying not to die in the humid heat of a Southwestern Ontario summer. I’ve been catching up with family and friends. I’ve been catching Pokemon. I’ve been eating way more potato chips than any human being should.

Basically, I’m just trying to fill my time and not let the depression set in. It’s an everyday battle. Some days are harder than others. But today is an okay day! I hope you have an okay day too! 🙂

Working hard or hardly working

Have you ever heard of those studies that say you shouldn’t tell your kid that they’re smart, and that you should tell them they’re a hard worker, or else they might end up with a poor work ethic and a twisted view of themselves and their value? Yeah, hi. That’s essentially me. I was a very smart child. I knew I was smart. I didn’t have to work very hard in school because I was smart. I’m not trying to brag about this. If it makes anybody feel any better, it all caught up with me. I didn’t learn how to be a hard worker as a child. I thought my value was in being smart (and that alone).

Eventually I found people smarter than me, and tasks that I couldn’t excel at without hard work. It was a sort of sink or swim moment. I could have just stewed in my misery – I’m good at that sort of thing. Or I could learn to be better. That on its own is hard work.

I say that I’m lazy. I’m not sure if that’s quite true. I always get necessary work done. I’m just reluctant to do things that don’t need doing. I say that I’m a procrastinator. This is true. But I’ve become better about not procrastinating while doing my online program. I have to create my own schedule; I’m the master of my own time, so I have to master my time.

I’m not good at working for prolonged periods of time. I worked all of yesterday and much of this morning. Even just writing this feels like a burden at the moment. I’m burning out. Yet, in the right circumstances, I can endure a lot of hard work for a long time. In helping with my friends’ wedding, I spent a few days working into the wee hours of the morning. Now I’m having to spend long hours getting back on top of my school work. I don’t enjoy it, but I power through the best I can. Maybe at the end of it all, I can call it evidence of being a hard worker.

I try to rearrange my values so that they line up with hard work rather than intelligence. I still notice an underlying current of ‘I’m smart. I’m smart. Please notice I’m smart and think well of me for it.’ in my behaviour. Sometimes other people notice it too. I feel like that probably doesn’t reflect all that well on me. And I don’t want to be that person. I’d like to have some value beyond being clever. I’d rather somebody find value in my achievements than my intelligence. Of all things, changing this pattern of thinking is probably the hardest task for me. Guess it’s a good thing I don’t shy away from hard work.


Please accept this post as my explanation and apology for being absent recently. I’ve been busy. I’m ready for a nice vacation now…if only I had time!

Absence and My Summer Break(down?)

I’ve been away for a while. I went back home to visit family for what I expected to be a couple of weeks, but somehow turned into 44 days! While it was nice to see family and friends, it has not been the greatest start to my summer. Let me explain why…

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Singled Out: Michelle Has Never Been Anywhere

Today was the last of three days of training for my summer job (if you remember my post not so long back worrying about finding employment, I managed somehow!). One task which could be assigned is going to the airport to pickup our guests. There were 60-70 of us there for training, and it is possible that any of us could have to go, even if it isn`t in our particular job description (though it is for me). To make sure everyone would be up to the task, our boss said “Now, I`m not trying to embarrass anybody, but has anyone not been to an airport?”. Out of those 60-70 people, I was singled out, as I was the only one who had never been to an airport in my life. I passed it off by saying I was from the country, and therefore far from all airports, and that does play into the matter. (more…)

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