Changing is hard

Changing is hard. Okay, lots of things are hard when you’re depressed. Getting up in the morning. Finding the energy to do everyday tasks. Looking for the will to go on. You know, all that good stuff. But changing yourself and your thoughts is especially hard.

It’s a strange battle, isn’t it? Often, you know what you ought to do or have to do. And often, you just can’t seem to summon up the will to do it.

Let’s say you want to to start exercising more, and let’s say you even found the energy to do it a couple of days. Great! That’s a good start in making a positive change in your life. Then you miss a day, or two, or three, or a month. That change didn’t go so well, and now it’s like you have to start over from the beginning. It can be demotivating.

Or let’s say you’re trying to combat social isolation. You chat with a couple of friends you haven’t talked to in a while, catch up. Everything seems pretty okay, and maybe you’re even feeling pretty good about the whole thing. Then plans you made with one friend fall through and you’re left feeling disappointed and depressed. It’s not really their fault and it’s not necessarily yours. But it can set your progress back.

I know there are changes I should make to improve my life. The problem is that my mind, my depression tells me that these changes are nearly impossible. I think of the cost, the energy needed, the risk and I find it difficult to carry things through. Changing is hard!

And I’m stubborn, really stubborn. I have negative thought processes that have slowly been ingrained in me over the past 20+ years; it might take another 20+ years to rewire those processes.And I’m so, so tired of fighting some days – tired of fighting with myself, with the world. Sometimes I don’t want to change. Sometimes I want to take the easy route.

But I think change can be good. So I try, and try, and keep trying, despite some reluctance and more than a little anxiety.

I don’t think there is some magical way to make changing easier. Take things one step at a time? Get back up when you fall? Pick your battles wisely? It’s all decent advice. But it’s still going to be hard. And it’s still going to seem pretty awful. And it’s probably going to be pretty depressing.

But I hope it’s worth it in the end!

❤ Michelle

Leave a comment


  1. I wish you luck with your effort. I don’t have any advice, but I can say I recognize every reluctance you point out.

  2. L.C.

     /  November 23, 2016

    This month’s blog sounds like I wrote it. You are very good at expressing yourself. I have made many attempts to change things in my life but it only really happened when I was forced into it. My husband divorced me even though I wanted it way sooner than him, but I just couldn’t motivate myself. I changed careers after I was fired (my entire department was let go), but it made me realize I hated my job and it was a good time to make a change. After the divorce was finalized and the house was sold, I had to move. So I moved across the country. None of these things were by choice but I did them and everything worked out for the best. So, I know I have the capacity to change. It’s the motivation that I have trouble with. Anxiety? I take 3 mg of Xanax XL everyday plus 2 other psychotropics, just in the daytime. But I get up everyday now, happy I live alone and in a house I had built being paid for by a new career that pays better. It’s the little changes that seem to be the biggest challenge and I am not getting any younger. If somebody has a secret to life out there, please share it. I am happier than I was, but I know I could be a lot more happy.

    • I definitely relate to only making big changes when I’m forced to! But maybe we should celebrate that – at least we were able to make the necessary changes rather than collapsing under pressure!

  3. I can relate so much to this post. Thank you for sharing. It helps. 🙂

  4. ive been struggling with depression for a long time and recently started using kratom for it,it definately has helped a lot and i would recommend it.

  5. L.C.

     /  November 29, 2016

    I don’t think using a drug like kratom is an answer that will work for many people. I truly believe that this a blog for people trying to improve their situation and look for ideas, not escapes. If you would kindly please, do not respond to this blog with suggestions like that.
    “In recent years, some people have used kratom as an herbal alternative to medical treatment in attempts to control withdrawal symptoms and cravings caused by addiction to other opioids or to other addictive substances such as alcohol. There is no scientific evidence that kratom is effective or safe.” That quote came from a drug addiction site. Please do not follow this person’s suggestion to use kratom. Speak with your Psychiatrist first. There are medications approved by the FDA to help with depression. Kratom is a crutch and can hurt you if you are already taking anti-depressants.

  6. Wayne Friesen

     /  December 6, 2016

    I hate this time of the year, everyone scurrying around buying gifts no one wants or needs and the endless Christmas carols that seem to play all day long for weeks before. I don’t want to be reminded that this is supposed to be a happy and joyful time of year because for me it isn’t. No one wants anything to do with me so I sit at home staring at 4 walls because it is so freaking cold out and I don’t have any money to do anything anyway. What I would so like to do is fall asleep and never have to wake up again. I think about that a lot lately about finding ways to kill myself, I know I shouldn’t think like that but when I day is the same as the next and all you wake up to is agonizing pain that I can’t seem to get rid of, dying seems like a very welcome choice.

    • L.C.

       /  December 6, 2016

      I know you may have heard this before but if you can muster up the ability to go to the free health clinic, if you’re broke, and get on some medications. I am far from saying that is the answer but it’s a start. What you are feeling is not normal and you are aware of that. So, fix it. I realize it’s not that easy but it’s a first step in prevention of ‘dreading to wake up everyday’, asking ‘why is everyone so happy and I’m not’. Even small doses of an anti-depressants makes a huge difference. If you smoke cigarettes, there’s money you could be spending on trying to turn your life around. If you drink alcohol, well, that will just cause more depression. Especially illicit drugs. (Note…I am in favor of laws allowing marijuana for depression). Even caffeine will eventually bring you down too. I am not a health nut. But I have lived the majority of my life feeling exactly like you. I don’t like the Christmas season either. It seems so fake and commercial. But, because I do take antidepressants, I can wake up every morning, not exactly swinging from the ceiling with joy, but I can shower, get dressed and I have a job. The depression has cost me many jobs but that’s just part of the package. The medications are a good starting point. Then maybe you can find someone to talk to about turning things around and not be having conversations about suicidal ideations.

  7. Start using hemp oil along with other options as it is effective natural source with high-quality nutrients. Choose from the reputed brands only with lower levels of THC and higher CBD and check whether they have complete control on manufacturing process. Studies have proven that it is effective for reduce pain, brain development, mental balance, improve immunity etc. CW hemp hemp oil works well for me.

  8. lifeofmiblog

     /  December 12, 2016

    Good post Michelle. This has been one of my biggest battles right through my life….all the benefits of trying being overshadowed by the fear of failure and the inevitable regression.
    I have come a long way in the last six to twelve months…I might be off the antidepressants early next year all things being equal. It’s been a hard journey though and I know I am by know means “cured”, but compared to where I was, this is a pretty good place.

    • Yeah, the regression doesn’t feel very good at all. But I’m glad to hear you’re doing well (even if work has been leaving you tired)! 🙂

  9. It gets tiring fighting. I am blessed enough to finally be out of the rut I was in for years. Still though I am struck with days where my mind is just a runaway and I can’t get it to stop. On the days I fall back I always think how sick of it I am but on the flip side it shows me how far I have come and keeps me humble!

  10. Nick

     /  December 14, 2016

    Michelle, I love how you emphasized fighting your depression tooth and nail, that is something I definitely do during my episodes of depression. I am currently in my recovery stage and I would like to add somethings that can help out not only you, but anyone struggling who reads this. Michelle you pointed out taking things one step at a time, I think having a journal would work really well because you can visually see your problems in writing and take them one step at a time. Also, when fighting its really nice to have some outside motivation like a friend or family member because there is only so much that we can do on our own. We’re only human, so if we have that 1 person who can motivate us no matter what, that will keep us fighting much longer. That’s all I have to say and thank you!

  11. Blake

     /  December 30, 2016

    Dear Michelle,

    I don’t know you but I know you are a beautiful, lovely soul and I know for a fact it is inevitable you will feel free of the depression.

    Much love,

  12. Thank you for sharing.
    Being middle aged and going through what appears this ‘battle just to live’ much of my life I cringe with you at your sorrows. It is almost as though the rest of the world is happily trotting along on their horses of life while some of us live the same lives as though barrel racing wild steers and continually getting kicked as we fall off.

    I HATE the ‘get over it’ treatment which is OK if you have diarrhoea as it will pass. So I have learned to cry it out and get back on the horse. But I admit I often feel like crawling out of the way across the dirt and hiding in a corner at times.

    Remember you are special. Those mornings can be a real bummer at times.

    • L.C.

       /  January 5, 2017

      My family is also a group of ‘get over it’ mind thinkers. Just shows that they really don’t get it. I have been trying to get over it since I was 16 and I am now about to be 56. For most of us, this is a life long battle. Making it through the holidays is extremely rough. Not that I have bad memories of abuse but it’s a seasonal thing that occurs and just makes depression even worse. Sometimes I wanted to smack people that were smiling and laughing. But the holidays are over and it’s time for me to get out of the deep depression and be in a lighter one. It’s like I feel a dark cloud follows me around. I am always asking “what’s next?” almost everyday. But I am getting up, going to work, tolerating people, wearing a smile, taking my medications, and seeing my Psychiatrist and Therapist. Don’t know what else to do. Tired of crying everyday. And my health is getting to be an issue. My son is 3000 miles away. So, it’s me and the cats. I have trouble seeing how people can be so happy all the time and have great stories to tell about their families and children/grandchildren. But, again, I get up everyday and give it a try, just to see if I can have a good day. This wasn’t a reply to cheer up anybody, it was just a release of frustration. Thank you for letting me post every month. It does help.

  13. Hi, try reading . It can really help put you i high spirits.

    Its a tried and tested routine.


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